Secrets&&Sorrows.

I often find my thinking and asking myself the same question, Who am I? Or when I'm trying to come up with an idea for anything as simple as clothing, or hair I go looking for OTHER peoples examples! Why can't I just come up with my OWN style? Why can't I just bring up my own creativity when it's needed? Never in my life, ever since I can remember have I ever finished anything; School? Dropped out. Clarinet; Didn't even know how to play it when I was in school, just did to impress the boy I liked, which happened to be my instructor; Piano; Wanted to, Parents didn't have the money and I don't have the patients to teach myself. Relationships; I usually end up cheating. Marriage; So far so good, this is the only thing I'll end up finishing, Why? Because I love him and could never hurt him again, ever. I want to stay with him for the rest of my life, and WILL do so whether I end up hurting myself in the end or not. I'm almost eighteen and I have NO clue who I am exactly, everything from Music to living style I've found from people that I look up to, not from myself, and even then I'm not sure if I like it or if I've convinced myself to like it because it's "cool" to my style.
Maybe it comes in the same catagorie of me being happy? That everyone back home thinks I'm just more than happy, I mean C'mon I got out of Waterville and moved to Daytona Beach? What else could I want. I'm married, living on the beach and going to college, what reason would I ever have to not be happy? Well I'll give you one, My husband and I fight.. Constantly, about almost everything. He never does anything unless I sit and prod him too, then I end up getting yelled and crying. Since yelling has always been someting that automatically makes me cry.
We no longer have a car, Mine being in the shop and us having to sell it to them anyways because we can't afford to pay for it to get fixed, John's is now in the shop to make sure it's safe for us to drive back to Washington in. I'm stressed.
We're moving back to Washington in the next week because, well we're both homesick. I have the stress of packing and finishing my school work and just the stress of myself.. I mean back home? The place I was so eager to run away from the same place where EVERYONE but my parents have an out for me for a reason I don't know? Isn't that why I left to Wenatchee High anyways? Because I was getting bullied at Waterville, now I'm moving back into it. I think it may be different since I'm not longer in school, and I'm married and have my own life but in all honesty, I know it's not going to change..

Or the fact I'm moving to the same place where my best friend; and kind of love lives.. And I'll probably end up hanging out with him all the time and just falling for him again. I know that's going to cause problems because he's single and we both sort of have.. extremely strong feelings for each other, that's why our relationship is so strong, we trust each other and tell each other EVERYTHING. I can't keep any secrets from him at all. I've kept one, and that's because when I move home I want to surprise him, he thinks we're not coming home til March; SURPRISE MISTER. <3

I think I'm done with my sob story for now..